Pentagon Confirms UFOs? Here’s How to Cope

The Pentagon just confirmed that the videos of UFOs from 3 yrs ago are real. Is this even happening? I get that UFO means unidentified flying object, which means nothing more than “We don’t know what it is.”

However, if these pilots in the video are referencing a “fleet” of objects in the sky that defy the laws of physics and defy the knowledge of the military, what’s going on? If these were secret military aircraft that the pilots didn’t know about, the Pentagon would not be confirming the video’s authenticity because that would reveal national secrets about our military technology. If these objects were random unidentifiable flying doo-dads that weren’t a big deal and weren’t alarming in any way, why are these experienced Navy pilots freaking out in this video? (Video here: https://youtu.be/auITEKd4sjA)

Where am I going with all of this? If these are actually aliens coming down to Earth, here are our options:

To Welcome them or Not to Welcome Them?

Option A: Go up to the rooftop of a tall building and have a party to welcome the Aliens, like they did in Independence Day.

Option B: Don’t have a welcome party. You saw how that turned out for the Earthlings inn Independence Day. You saw how it turned out for the Native Americans when European settlers came here. Do not, I repeat, do not welcome the newcomers.

To Fight or to Flight?

Option A: A** kicking time! This doesn’t seem like an authentic alien scene unless you have a shotgun, so maybe get a shotgun. (Before you hate me and go on a Twitter tirade about how I’m the devil and part of the NRA, I actually support stricter gun laws…but all bets are off when little green men invade the Earth.) In addition to the gun, you’ll need a sleek black a**-kicking suit. This a**kicking suit can either be a three piece suit with a jacket and sunglasses like Men in Black…or a tight black leather jumpsuit if you’re a female with a hot body. (Forget that it’s impossible to do martial arts, shooting, or running in a black leather jumpsuit. That will all work itself out if you look bada** enough. Just ask Nikita.) Also, to kick a**, you must wear black. Sorry, but that’s the rule of bada**ery. You never see bada**es wearing colors.

Option B: Oreos, Toilet Paper, and Hide! Hide in a bunker. Who the hell wants to meet aliens? Hide in your bunker with a lifetime supply of Oreos…and toilet paper…because every global crisis must involve toilet paper hoarding. You could put on a sleek black a**kicking suit to make yourself feel a part of the action without actually participating. This is the alien apocalypse version of the participation trophies you got when you were a kid…for showing up somewhere…and taking up space…and breathing air. After eating through your Oreo stash, you might want to opt out of the black leather jumpsuit and go for the three pieced Men in Black a**kicking suit that’s a bit more forgiving in the waist.

Option C: Vomit, Oreos, and Jesus! There are aliens coming to Earth! What the hell is everyone thinking with their jumpsuits and their toilet paper?! You’re sick with anxiety and you need to pray and stress eat. Throw your hands up in the air, run around in circles, and start screaming crazy sh** about “Lawd Jesus,” with a mouth full of Oreo crumbs. At some point, you’ll throw up because it wouldn’t be a proper dramatic freakout without vomit. After this, you may dawn an a**kicking suit because it’s 2020 and every good little snowflake gets a participation trophy. (*FYI — Snowflake does not mean “liberal” or “Democrat,” as some like to use it. It means sensitive human who will collapse into a puddle of tears or angry tirades if he isn’t praised enough or doesn’t like what he hears.)

Option D: Be Scared, but then Compose Yourself and be Brave!
While you’re running in circles screaming about Jesus, with Oreo crumbs in on your mouth, you’ll eventually catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror in your awesome a**kicking suit and remember that you’re supposed to be doing some a**kicking. At this point, you can be the snowflake with the participation trophy or the real a** kicker with the real trophy…and maybe some scars to go with it. You decide. Should you choose to accept your mission as alien a**kicker, stop the screaming about Jesus, wipe the Oreo crumbs off your face, turn some Rocky music on, do some air boxing in front of the mirror, pick up your shotgun, and get down to business…kicking a**.

A**kicker or Wimp?

I think this option D will be me. I’ll be an ugly messy walking panic attack, stuffed full of Oreos and screaming to Jesus, then, I’ll eventually turn into a real a** kicker…with a pink camo shotgun. I’d like to think of myself as an a**kicker at heart, but in reality, how much of an a**kicker am I really if I’m over 30 and can’t write out the word “ass” because I’m afraid my mom will read this article and call me to yell at me? Maybe I’m just a wimp who wants a participation trophy. Only time will tell…

Dear Jesus…

Twitter warriors, the mention of the name “Jesus” may have been highly offensive to you, but don’t worry. Any divine power will do the job when aliens attack. So, here’s to it.

Dear Jesus…
…Or Yahweh, or Allah, or Buddha, of Shiva, or David Bowie, or just plain luck (for the atheists out there)…

One of y’all better have our backs because it’s possible that sh**’s about to go down. If you plan to float down from the sky to assist with alien asskicking, bring extra toilet paper with you. Odds are that we’ll still be all out of it and fighting each other to the death over Charmin…and not even realize the aliens are coming. Many armed Americans will be too busy standing in front of state capitol buildings holding their guns, protesting about having to wear masks to Costco, so they won’t be standing guard either. That leaves us with like…20 Americans left to help kick ass. I don’t even know what the other countries are doing, but I’m not sure they have it figured out either. Reinforcements are a must.

Thanks…

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